Offspring season 5 premiere recap

Six months into motherhood and Nina, judging from the promos, seems to be handling motherhood well. Photo: SuppliedNot since PJ lost Maggie, or Wandin Valley lost Molly, has Australia mourned the lost of a (fictional) loved one more so than Offspring’s Doctor Patrick Reid.
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Tonight Nina and her motley crew of friends, family and colleagues are back, six months since Patrick’s tragic passing but also six months since the arrival of the once happy couple’s yet-to-be named baby.

Join me as I live blog (and probably bawl) my way through the first episode of Offspring season five.

Not since PJ lost Maggie, or Wandin Valley lost Molly, has Australia mourned the loss of a (fictional) loved one more than Offspring’s Doctor Patrick Reid.

Tonight Nina and her motley crew of friends, family and colleagues are back, six months since Patrick’s tragic passing but also six months since the arrival of the once happy couple’s yet-to-be named baby.

Join me as I live blog (and probably bawl) my way through the first episode of Offspring season five.

While MasterChef continues to boil away, let’s take a short trip down memory lane shall we?

Last season ended on a bittersweet note. Patrick died, Nina and Billie reconnected and then Nina gave birth on the floor at work.

As Natalie Hambly so aptly put it in her finale recap:

“Will Mick and Billie find their way back to each other? Will we pick up where we left off or will we jump forward in time, say to the baby being six months old? And what will Nina name her daughter? (No, I don’t imagine it will be Patricia!) And who will take the place of Patrick? Nina most likely won’t have a love interest for a while but there is still the all-important role of TV hunk to fill, and whoever he is he has very big shoes to fill!”

You can read more of her review here.

Ten are really making the most of their premiere promo, I’ve just been told again (the 156th time in the past 30 minutes) that, “The next chapter of Nina’s life is only minutes away.”

GUYS, IT’S STARTING.

Anyone got any Tim Tams?

Nina in bed with baby Zoe (it has a name!) is recapping the last six months. It’s pretty much just Billie being Mary Poppins/Super Nanny.

“I miss your dad so much.”

Oh this episode is going to punch us right in the feels, I know it.

It’s nice she has the baby to talk to now, at least her internal monologue can take some annual leave.

PATRICK? What? I think he just pushed her out the door for her first day back from maternity leave.

The awkward “what to say to someone who had to bury her partner and give birth on the same day” convo was awkward.

“You look like a frumpy, sleep deprived crack nickel lady.” Ah Kim, I’m missed you. You deserve that promotion, girl. I’ll see you in your office later to take you up on that offer to sample at least three of the “four varieties of cheese”.

Mick is touring the UK and will be back in six weeks and two days. He and Billie are “keeping the lines of communication open” by texting tid-bits.

“House Proud” is Billie’s new bag. Bascially people who want to sell their houses pay her to insult their taste, like some Collingwood ladies who want to keep a chrome plated couch. Big mistake ladies, huge.

“No that couch would be considered disgusting by anyone else with good taste.”

She and her business partner Ang have been hire by Lawrence, Nina and Patrick’s relationship counsellor. He called her in after his ex left him and practically looted the joint.

Number of Patrick sightings so far: 2.

After telling her to get take away for dinner and to go easy on herself after her first day back at work, she serves up this Kleenex worthy moment while sitting alone:

“I used to watch him walk through that door everyday and think ‘there is his, there’s my person, out in the world’.”

Nina hasn’t forgotten that “the baby comes out the vagina” makes her first delivery and then heads home for the day. The gang are off to the pool, Billie will be in the big girl pool, Nina and the kid are off to “water babies class”.

Billie is back in blistering form.

She’s now investigating whether Lawrence is gay, so she did what any logical woman would do when faced with a man who is witholding information and rummaged through his book shelf, sock draw, bed and bathroom cabinets while he was out.

Nina is called over to the other mothers at the pool. It’s about as awkward and quite similar to that great scene from Muriel’s Wedding.

Number of Patrick sightings so far: 3.

She just had an orgasm courtesy of his memory then goes around to her mum’s for “Nina’s Orgasm Party”.

Martin has purchased her a breast pump to celebrate the fact she’s ready to “come… back to work.”

Fitting.

Phillip got married because Patrick died. Men, seriously.

Is Lawrence this season’s stud muffin*?

There were a lot of upward inflections in that phone conversation, will Nina go along to coffee at 10 tomorrow?

*”stud muffin” is how my mum summarises Patrick.

If Patrick’s Ghost dies in this series, will we see the Ghost of Patrick’s Ghosts Ghost? #Offspring…. @mattlenevez $— Sam Mac (McMillan) (@MrSamMac) May 14, 2014

I usually save it for the shower, but good on Nina for crying out loud, like literally, on the street.

There’s another Proudman on the way BTW.

I still find the fact that Zaras and Jimmys new baby being concieved the day after Patricks funeral to be somewhat offensive :'( #offspring— Cat ♥ (@Drama_Queen_94) May 14, 2014

Lawrence wants Billie. Interesting.

Also, good to see Nina hasn’t become cooler since giving birth.

“I don’t even know why I’m looking, I’m mean, I just want coffee. That’s it, that’s all I want… I’m still in love with Patrick.”

Hang on, if Patrick is holding the baby does that mean it’s floating?

That final scene was like a sucker punch to the heart. Cue the (audience) tears thanks to the slow mo, the sappy Australian indie pop music, the Instagram-worthy family moment and Patrick saying “I love seeing you laugh” to Nina.

“I’m not sure I can do this, but I have to do this,” she replies to herself before the credits roll.

THAT LAST SCENE WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND DEVASTATING ALL AT ONCE. THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR MY FRAGILE BODY. BYE. #offspring— andrew olivares (@andrewo93) May 14, 2014

Judging from the reactions on Twitter, the first episode back was a winning combo of sass and sadness.

However many are saying it was too short, couldn’t spring for a double episode tonight Hamish McLennan?

Laughs! Tears! Babies! Orgasm parties! A vintage @DebraOswald1 episode 1… written amidst unusually intense scrutiny! Go Deb. #Offspring— Michael Lucas (@MrMichaelLucas) May 14, 2014

Biggest complaint about #Offspring – it’s not long enough! I need a double episode return. #morepatrickplease— Natalie Hambly (@nataliehambly) May 14, 2014

Next week will be all about Melbourne’s new taco emperor Jimmy and his girlfriend Zara, who is six months pregnant with their second child. He now wants to put a ring on it. Should be a fun narrative arc.

#Offspring OH YES I cannot WAIT for Jimmy’s proposal. Guaranteed to be GOLD— Dani Zhang (@ItsDaniYellElo) May 14, 2014

Half time update: so far we’ve had one lot of widow tears, one orgasm, two awkward social interactions and three scenes featuring Patrick.

Our friends over at Essential Baby whipped up this episode cheat sheet, so far, everything appears to be on track.

*drops mic*

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